Conflict Styles

In chapter 11, managing interpersonal conflicts, the text gave great examples of conflict styles. Avoiding is a conflict style when someone is not assertive and they tend to stay clear away from problems. One of my close friends is like this and she tends to have a lot of built up aggression with people. Accommodating is when you let others to explain their point of view. This is a way that can also make people have built up aggression and it’s not good to walk around with a chip on your shoulder. Competing is when you only seeking to resolve the conflict your way. This is not a good way to approach conflict because people will tend to resent you and it can ultimately ruin relationships. Compromising is when you both give a little and lose a little. This is a great way to be fair. I personally believe it is the healthiest way you can resolve problems because it shows you care about the relationship rather than the conflict. Collaborating is another healthy way to resolve conflict because it’s a win-win solution. It a way to make sure everyone is satisfied. It’s a great way to approach conflict and it’s a happy medium for everyone.

Disconfirming Messages

In chapter 10, improving communication climates, the text discusses the importance of knowing the climates in relational communication. There various ways of disconfirming messages one in which that was discussed in the text was an impervious response. This is very common in messages because it’s when someone ignores another person. I thought this was very interesting because the place I am working at did this to an employee and they ended up quitting. This shows that it can be very powerful and you should be careful when you’re ignoring someone. Another way of disconfirming messages is verbal abuse. This is also very common and completely unhealthy when communicating. This is a way to psychologically abuse someone with mental pain. This happens in a lot in relationships and is usually when you are cutting someone one down verbally. Generalized complaining is another way of disconfirming. This is when we are characterizing fault of someone else. Interrupting is another way that can be a way of disconfirming someone. This is when we speak before another person is done talking. I personally believe that this shows that you are not interesting in the other person’s ideas or thought. An irrelevant response is when you respond to another person’s idea to something that is off topic. These are some of the many disconfirming messages discussed in the text.

confirming communication

In chapter 10, improving communication climates, the text discusses the importance of knowing the climates in relational communication. The term used in the book communication climate, refers to the type of tone used when communicating. In the text they discuss to different types of confirming messages. There are three messages that help confirm messages. The first way of confirming messages is recognition. This is known to be the easiest and most fundamental way to confirm messages. The lack of recognition is things like not returning a friends message or avoiding them for your own personal reasons. Another way of confirming messages is acknowledgment. This is a way to acknowledge ideas and feelings of others around you or in your life. The most common way of acknowledgement is listening. I feel this is very important because you are taking time out of your life to acknowledge a person you care for. This shows you are interested in someone else’s opinions and ideas. Endorsement means to confirm someone else’s ideas and agree with them so there is improvement in their relationship. This is a way to value and show agreement. Overall these three ways of confirming are very important to show your interest in your relationships.

2nd, 3rd and 4th dimensions of intimacy

In chapter 9, intimacy and distance in relational communication, the text discusses the different dynamics of intimacy. Another dimension of intimacy that I thought was interesting was intellectual sharing. When someone shares personal ideas with one another it’s a form of intimacy. Having interest in someone else’s life is a way to show being intimate. This is something that I do with friends, family and my significant other because I feel that it’s powerful. The third dimension of intimacy is emotional intimacy. This is when people share important feelings with one another. This develops a level of closeness. In the book it explains that you don’t need to be face to face with someone to show this type of intimacy. Many people have online relationships where they feel they same closeness with a person. I thought this was very interesting because I never thought of it in this way before. The fourth dimension that they discuss in the text is shared activities. This something that you can share with anyone and it doesn’t have to be with a significant other. This means that you do activites with people and it creates a bond and closeness. I do this with my friends when we go out on the weekends. With my co workers we work together on a daily basis were it creates a level of intimacy.

physical intimacy

In chapter 9, Intimacy and Distance in Relational communication, the text discussed the dimensions of intimacy. Overall intimacy has many different dimensions. There is not just one definition of intimacy. I personally feel that intimacy varies on the type of relationship you are in. Intimacy is very important in relationships but if you don’t love yourself then it is hard show intimacy to someone else. To me, intimacy means to have a close bond with someone. You need to trust them to show intimacy. If there is no trust then it’s hard to be on a personal level with them. The first dimension that the text discussed about intimacy was physical intimacy. This is very interesting because this is something that is hard to explain in words. Mother’s and a baby they feel a bond and intimate feeling of closeness that is hard to put into words. Physical contact like hugging, holding, and cuddling are all types of physical intimacy that people share with each other. Many people feel that physical intimacy means that it’s sexual. Clearly this is not the case, my family gives hugs to everyone we feel intimate with. This is a bond that can live a lifetime and its very important in everyone’s life.

Communicationg about relationships

In chapter 8, communication and relational dynamics, the text discussed about the way we communicate about relationships. In relational messages, there are two main components. One is the relational message which is when we communicate a message with one or more social needs. We do this because we want control, affection, and respect. There are four categories of relational messages. Affinity is when we communicate messages with the degree for which we show that we like and appreciate each other. I see this a lot when people first meet someone who their attracted to and the communicate messages that involve their appreciation towards them. Immediacy refers to when we show interest and attention towards others. Respect is another form of communicating about relationships. This happens when we hold people esteem. These messages are when we communicate messages that convey respect. This is very important when forming relationships because when you respect them when communicate their likely to respect you back. Personally I think that respect is good to express when communicating. Control is another reason why we communicate about relationships. This is when both parties use communicate controlling messages to influence the other person. I see this a lot in toxic relationships.

rewards

In chapter 8, communication and relational dynamics, the text explained why we form relationships. I have discussed in my last 2 blogs about the reasons why we form relationships. The main reason why we form relationships is because of rewards. This is something that can be interpreted in different ways. One form of relational rewards is a greater value then costs. So basically we get emotional satisfaction and feel rewarded when are with someone. One of my friends is a good example of this because she is very fun to hangout and has a great personality. I feel rewarded when I am hanging out with her because she makes me laugh and is very positive. She gives of great vibes and it’s a reward to have a friend like her. Another form that can be interpreted is when people chose their relationships based on materialistic rewards. Personally I view it as the same as using and coning people. Another one of my friends from work does this when she is looking for a boyfriend. Whenever we go out she is always checking out guys who have flashy clothes and cars. People do this all the time, I feel that if do this then your relationship will be focused on unimportant things and will turn into an unhealthy relationship.

Intimacy

In chapter 8, communication and relational dynamics, they discuss the true dynamics of relationships. In the text I read about why we form relationships. Intimacy is one of the many reasons why we form relationships. This goes for all humans, even the ones that like to be by themselves or bitter and lonely. Everyone needs intimacy to feel fulfilled, this helps relationships form. Many people can even suffer from health problems from the lack of intimacy. When my mom got a divorce she became really sick and over the years her health got worse, including depression. I personally feel if you don’t have intimacy in your life it’s hard to form relationships. Emotional intimacy is very important because it helps express yourself. It helps form human bonds with others. This varies from relationship to relationship. I personally feel that you really have to know yourself in order to convey in intimacy. This is very important because if you have problems with yourself and don’t love yourself then it’s hard to show intimacy in a relationship. Overall I believe that intimacy is a big part in how relationships form. If there is no form of intimacy in relationships then its hard for them to grow and form.

Attraction

In chapter 8, communication and relational dynamics, they discuss the true dynamics of relationships. In the text I read about why we form relationships. One reason why we form relationships is attraction. I thought that this was interesting because personally without knowing, I do this all the time when I am forming a relationship. This doesn’t mean that you only form relationships with people who are pretty or good looking but we form them because they have an attractive personality. Many beautiful girls are with guys who are unattractive look wise but they feel that their personality is much attractive that it makes up for their looks. Personally I feel the same because someone could be good looking but have an ugly personality. This makes them an ugly person in my eyes. I think that looks are just a bonus in relationships. There are many people who only focus on looks when it comes to forming relationships. I personally feel that they are the ones who end up in unhealthy relationships. When I am forming a relationship based on attractiveness, I tend to form them with people who like the same things as me. It is easier and more satisfying for me to have disclosure with people who I can relate to.

Selective Hearing

In chapter 7 listening, the text discussed the negative characteristics of listening. My whole life I have been told that I have selective listening. This would have to be my weakness of listening. Sometimes it’s hard for me to concentrate on someone talking to me when other things are going on. When there are background noises like a tv, radio, or people talking I always seem to get sidetracked and don’t give them my full attention. This effects my communication with people and I feel like sometimes it’s out of my control. This make to a friend is me look bad as a listener because I know when someone does this to me I get annoyed and feel that it is rude. When I am on my cell phone talking to a friend is when I see this happening to this happening the most. Since I am busy all the time I usually get calls when in the middle of something. I feel bad because I care about my friends and I want to be able to be a good listener for them. I need to be able to set aside what I am doing so I don’t have selective hearing. Turning of distractions will help and even going into another room where it is quite will help out also.

Questions

In chapter 7 they talk about listening. While reading the text I learned what kind of listener I am. Questioning listening is what I feel I do the most when listening to someone. I feel this is the best way I can get all the information I need when talking to someone. Many times when I am talking to someone, they leave out many key things because they think I know what they are saying. So to eliminate confusion I ask questions so I can understand them. This also makes you look like you are engaging in a conversation. I believe that just saying uh huh and nodding is not effective. I have been told that I ask good questions while in a conversation. I feel this is a good quality to have because it shows you care. I do have to watch out for the counterfeit questions because that can get me into trouble sometimes. It’s almost as if I am interrogating someone one, or even sounding nosey. Overall I think this is a very popular way of listening. Sometimes it makes the person look at the situation differently. Sometimes it’s good to let the person say what they want to say before asking questions. This helps you let the person vent before saying anything or not sidetracking them. It also good to make sure you don’t ask a question that won’t make them feel uncomfortable.

Power

In the text of chapter 5 they talk about how language is powerful. I would have to agree with this because language is very important our society. They mention that speech is cultural. I never thought of it in this way, but it’s completely true. I thought it was interesting when I read that in Japan, it’s not a good thing to speak powerful. In our country it’s completely opposite. We value people that speak powerful. One thing I look at when I am speaking with someone is how powerful the person speaks. This is a big deal when choosing a president. The reason why people like Obama is how powerful his speeches are. I think that the power of language is how you phrase and say things. The choice of words you use makes a huge difference. When I am talking to someone I try to use direct words with them. When people say um, uh, or ah while talking it makes them sound unsure of what they want. Its good to sound firm and confident. I feel that you will have a less percentage of rejection. If you look at the powerful people in history they all share this same quality.

Mixed messages

In chapter 6 Nonverbal communication, I thought that it was interesting to see nonverbal communication serve many functions. Contradicting and deceiving fall under these categories. When people are expressing messages verbally and nonverbally, the two can be opposite and contradict each other. This happens when there are mixed messages which everyone will face this. When we get older we display these messages more often. Sometimes I can tell when someone needs help with something because they display non verbal messages of struggle and pain, I try to help. Once I try doing this they say “oh I can do this myself”, or “i don’t need help”, when obviously they are displaying that they are struggling. This gives me a mixed signal and it frustrates me because I don’t know what they want. When people give off deceiving messages they are called leakage. I find this very interesting because it can be very inconsistent. I thought it was interesting to see that experiments found that a liars voice tends to be higher than a truth tellers because there is less thinking involved in truth tellers. One thing I have found from personal experience with my friends is they won’t make eye contact when they are lying. Also when they fidget or so a lot of pauses I can tell they are lying.

Five Elements

In chapter seven listening: more than meets the eye, I thought elements in the listening process were very insightful. There are five elements that make up listening. The elements are hearing, attending, understanding, responding, and remembering. I never realized that are so many components to listening. There are many factors that influence our hearing such as background noises, fatigue, and loss of hearing. Background noises affect my hearing the most because it’s hard for me to focus on other things besides that. Attending is another important part of listening. If we were to attend every sound then we would go crazy because of all the sounds that are constantly going on. This is important to do when listening to a friend because you have to turn off all the sounds around you. Understanding and making sense of all the messages is important for listening too. If you don’t do this then it’s hard to figure out the conversation you are listening to. I personally feel that responding is the most effective way to listening. This helps fully understanding messages because you are interacting in the conversation. I feel like you look like a good listener if you do this. Remembering is key to listening, because it is good to recall what you just heard, if you can’t remember then it makes it hard to listen.

Appearance

In chapter 6 nonverbal communication, it discussed that appearance is a form of nonverbal communication. Two of the dimensions of appearance are physical attractiveness and clothing. It was interesting to see that scientists actually did research on this. The women who are more attractive get better grades in college, get more dates, and persuade men easier. Many girls that I know who are attractive do hold these positive attributes. When I see someone who is ugly or unattractive I sometimes think they are lazy, dirty, anti social, and I tend to have a hard time holding a strong conversation with them. When I get to know them, then it’s a different story. But when we are sending nonverbal messages, I pick up more negative things then positive things. Clothing has a big effect on non verbal messages, whenever I see someone wearing a gothic outfit like a slipknot t-shirt, I automatically assume they are devil worshipers, and they are scary! I don’t know why but I always have thought this way. I need to learn that clothing doesn’t mean that and I should try to get to know them after I see the clothing and then I will judge them for who they are.

Nonverbal Messages

In chapter 6 it mainly focuses on nonverbal communication. One thing I want to focus on is the different types of nonverbal communication. Things like gestures, body movement, posture, face and eyes are elements of nonverbal communication. When I am speaking with someone and they’re reacting with these types of nonverbal messages, I generally make my own assumption on what they mean. This can be very deceiving because they might not mean to make a certain facial expression. Also people perceive them differently. For example, if I was talking to them and facial expression was smiling. They could perceive that I am laughing at them or not taking the conversation seriously, when really I am just agreeing with them with smiling. Sometimes when people aren’t making eye contact with me I start feeling flustered. This can affect my communication with that person because it’s very distracting. One thing I think I can do is to be aware of these nonverbal messages. Also one thing I think would help is talking to the people that know me the best like my family and friends and ask them which type of nonverbal messages to I portray. This will be a good way to change because there things I am not aware of. I believe that everyone should do this because there is always room for improvement.

Opinions/facts when communicating

In chapter five language barrier and bridge, I thought disruptive language was a very interesting topic. I believe that fact –opinion confusion- happens all the time whether we mean to or now. When people state facts in conversations then it can be verifies as true or false. When opinions happen in conversation they tend to be unnecessary arguments. Like myself I am a very opinionated person and I can get myself into unnecessary arguments with people. I feel like my opinion matters and I try to take control of the conversation. I need to learn to find the facts before stating my opinion. It’s not a bad thing to have an opinion about something, but having facts will help back up my opinion. When you are communicating with someone, one things that I realized was using the word I. When I am stating my opinion, using I before my opinion helps take responsibility for my thoughts and opinions. The problem I was having before was using the word it when stating my own opinions. This is a problem because it doesn’t show ownership when communicating. For example when I say it was nice hanging out with you tonight doesn’t show ownership. On the other hand when I say I enjoyed the time we spent together sounds more personable.

Emotions

In chapter four I read about what emotions are. It is hard to say what emotions are because it’s a feeling and it’s hard to put into words. In the book it explains there are several different components to feelings. I personally think that I am very in touch with my feeling and emotions because I have been through a lot of crazy situations. I think the hardest part about emotions is explaining how you are feeling when you are experiencing certain emotions. I am very good at understanding what type of emotion it is when I am feeling it. Sometimes when I get so angry I start to cry because I don’t know what else I can do with my anger. Anger is the most effective emotion because it has so many components. Sometimes when there are too many things going on at once in my life, I have an emotional roller coaster. I feel different emotions back to back and sometimes it confuses people around me who are witnessing it. Emotions play a huge part in my actions for example, if I am in a bad mood and I am tired, angry, and annoyed I will communicate differently and my actions will be irregular.

Stereotying

In chapter 3 I read about stereotyping. Many of my friends do this quite a bit and even though I think its mean I am guilty of it also. Many times when you first meet someone we tend to be very stereotypical because as humans we are very assumptive. It’s very hard not to stereotype somebody because you constantly are evaluating people. This can be very deceiving because it affects they way you act towards them and definitely how you communicate with them. There is a lot of stereotyping that happens between genders in the media, school, and even at home. Some is very unnoticeable because we are so used to it because it’s so common. In a way I view stereotyping to be almost sexist. When I was in middle school I played football with the boys. Many peoples first reaction was “Girls are too weak to play” or “She will get hurt because she won’t know what she is doing.” Since people are so used to seeing guys play football they automatically stereotyped me because it was not the norm. The main reason why people stereotype is because they are not used to a situation or they have been told that this is how things have to be.

Self Concept :)

In chapter 2 I read about changing yourself concept and having realistic perception of yourself. It is definitely a lifetime process of improvement because humans are always constantly learning new things about themselves. There is no way to prefect your self concept but you can learn to accept yourself for who you are. I think that my biggest problem is that I listen to what people tell me so if someone says that I am bad at spelling then it tends to make me feel dumb. I need to learn to take criticism. Accepting my flaws and growing from them will help me with myself concept. Having a realistic self concept of yourself is very important because if you don’t then you will keep letting yourself down. I see this with a lot of guys because they communicate like they are tough and all strong. They put a self perception that they are untouchable and unemotional. It’s good to recognize your strengths but it is important to watch how you express them. One thing I learned about in life about self concept is that if you surround yourself with positive people. If there is constant negativity then you will be negative and eventually it will rub off and you and your self concept will be affected.

Self Etseem

In chapter two creating and presenting the self I read up on self esteem. This is something I have always had a problem with because in our society there is such a high standard image you have to live up to. All the models in the magazines are skinny tall and flawless. I am short, thick and definitely not flawless so my self esteem is not the best. This affects my communication skills with people sometimes because I can get insecure. When that happens I tend to get quite and nervous. When I am out with my friends or people I know I usually am outgoing and very chatty. When people look stuck up or is very into them I get insecure because I think they are looking down at me. I need to work on accepting myself so my confidence while communicating will improve. Since I have been working in customer service I have seen a dramatic improvement because I am always talking with different people but I have a lot of things I need to work on. Self esteem is important to have because it goes hand and hand with communication. If you’re confident then you will be good at speeches talking in front of a group of people. My goal is to be able to perfect this so I can be a great business women.

Principles

In chapter 1 a First Look at Interpersonal Communication I wanted to talk a little more about one area on this chapter that I thought was interesting. I carefully read more in depth about the principles of communication because I thought it was important and interesting. I learned that it is impossible not to communicate. I never realized this until I read this in the book. Even if you have the best poker face you still get off feelings and emotions without knowing you do this. When you decode the messages in a conversation many people tend to take the wrong way. This can be avoided by simply thinking before you talk or phrasing it the correct way. One principle that I found humorous was communication is unrepeatable. I found this funny because there is so many times I am with some of my goofy friends and they tell a great story and I can’t retell it to someone else. Communication is very interesting that way because it’s always in the moment. Many people tell me I look like snob when they first meet me because I give off a vibe. This is another principle of communication which is communication can be unintentional. I have been guilty of accuses people for being rude when they’re not. It comes down to how you present yourself and how you phrase things.

a first look at interpersonal communication

In the book looking out and In I learned why we communicate. Basically the reason why we communicate is because we all need relationships to help get through life. We physically need to communicate with people because it affects our health if we don’t socialize. I thought it was interesting when I read the fact that it is just as bad smoking a cigarette as it is not communicating and having relationships. By communicating in life we start identifying ourselves more. If we lack communicating with people then it is harder to find who we are as people. I believe this is true because it seems like the more I meet new people I learn a little more about myself. Social needs are very important because it gives us pleasure in our everyday life that makes us get satisfaction. By not having social stability people may become depressed and feel less valued which makes you less functional. Communication is a very important tool in life to have because it helps us get others to do what we want. In the text I learned that encodes are thoughts put into a word which makes the receiver understand. Decodes are when the receiver makes sense of what is the message.